I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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