how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my being single is dangerous.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
