she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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