I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
