Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
