Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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