So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
