When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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