the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
