I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize