And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
