At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
