I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
