I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
