Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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