brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
