I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
