Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
