I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
