Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize