even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
