Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
