YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
