Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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