tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
