i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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