I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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