he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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