I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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