Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
