Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
