Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
