I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
