First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
