3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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