I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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