I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize