You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
