I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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