I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
