Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize