I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
