Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Less talking, more tequila
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
