We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
