Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
