rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize