Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
