I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was CRYING into my vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
