oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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