im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
