The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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