i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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