I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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