Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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