First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
