so that wasnt chicken after all
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
