Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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