Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
