My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
