I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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