I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
