the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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