He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
