he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
