I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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