That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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