Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
